the InMind blog

Does emotional labor also exist in sex?

• written by Tanja Oschatz & Verena Klein

Editorial Assistants: Corinna Michels and Elena Benini

Note: An earlier version of this article has been published in the German version of In-Mind.

Emotional labor refers to suppressing or altering one’s own feelings in order to enhance another person’s well-being. But does sex involve emotional labor?

Figure 1

What is emotional labor and why is it mostly performed by women?

Sociologist Arlie Hochschild [1] coined the term emotional labor, when researching how people in the service industries, such as flight attendants, put effort into remaining friendly and attentive even under stress or frustration by deliberately regulating their feelings (e.g., because they depend on tips for their income). This type of labor is also present in care work and family life.

Women tend to perform a disproportionate amount of emotional labor, which may be explained by deeply rooted gender stereotypes [1], [2]: While men in Western societies are more often characterized as assertive and independent, women are more often seen as accommodating, and empathetic [3]. As a result, many people do not view women’s emotional labor as additional effort but rather as natural manifestations of their affection and care. 

Studies show that in heterosexual romantic relationships as well, women bear the main burden of emotional labor [4]. They smooth over tensions, de-escalate conflicts, and look after their partner’s emotional well-being—often at the expense of their own needs. This not only places women under strain but is made more challenging by the fact that emotional labor often remains invisible and rarely acknowledged [5]. 

These societal gender stereotypes also extend into sexuality. So-called gendered sexual scripts, internalized social blueprints about how women and men should feel, act, and behave during sex, often assign women a passive role. Women are consequently expected to be submissive, not sexually demanding, and focus on being desirable rather than expressing their own desires [6]. To better understand how the dynamics of sexual emotional labor play out in sexuality, our recent study aimed at identifying different forms of sexual emotional labor women may perform in the bedroom and how these are associated with their well-being [7].

Which behaviors are considered sexual emotional labor?

In the study [7] we identified several forms of sexual emotional labor. For example, some women fake orgasms to give their partner a good feeling or to affirm his masculinity. Others endure pain or discomfort during sex without voicing it. Some engage in sexual activity despite lacking desire or go along with specific practices they actually dislike. In all of these situations, women put aside their own needs and well-being in order to provide harmony, affirmation, or pleasure for their partner. Men can also engage in sexual emotional labor. Studies show, for instance, that while less common, some men occasionally fake orgasms or hold back their sexual desire in order not to pressure their partner. In our research, however, we deliberately focused on women. The reason: existing studies indicate that women are affected by sexual emotional labor much more frequently and intensely—and that the associated burdens are therefore considerably greater for them.

How is sexual emotional labor related to women’s sexual and relational well-being?

Our findings show a clear pattern: the more sexual emotional labor women take on, the less pleasure they experience and the less satisfied they feel with their sex lives. Relationship satisfaction also tends to decline when women consistently set aside their own needs in order to meet those of their partners. Women who reported higher levels of sexual emotional labor further described feeling less sexual agency. That is, they felt they had less influence and control over their own sexuality. In accordance, they also had a more difficult time expressing their sexual needs and desires. Surprisingly, we did not find a strong connection between sexual emotional labor and the internalization of traditional gender roles, meaning the extent to which women identify with societal ideas of “typical femininity.” Put differently, women who embrace traditional gender roles do not necessarily perform more (or less) sexual emotional labor than women who reject them. This suggests that even women who distance themselves from traditional gender role expectations may still engage in emotional labor during sex [7]. This stands in contrast to other areas of life such as housework or childcare, where women who reject traditional gender norms tend to do less domestic or emotional labor [8]. Sexual emotional labor, by comparison, appears to be more internalized, largely invisible, often automatic, and therefore easily overlooked.

Conclusion

Emotional labor is a form of work that disproportionately disadvantages women—including in the bedroom. It can have harmful effects on women’s sexual experiences and well-being. It should not be considered normal for women to endure pain during sex, fake orgasms, or engage in sex without desire simply to please their partners. Change begins with conversation: by making this issue visible and raising awareness, we can start to question and transform the unspoken rules that shape our sexual intimacy.

Bibliography

[1] A. R. Hochschild, The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling. Berkeley, CA, USA: Univ. of California Press, 1983.
[2] A. Zamberlan, F. Gioachin, and D. Gritti, “Work less, help out more? The persistence of gender inequality in housework and childcare during UK COVID-19,” Res. Social Stratification Mobility, vol. 73, p. 100583, 2021, doi: 10.1016/j.rssm.2021.100583.
[3] A. H. Eagly and W. Wood, “Social role theory,” in Handbook of Theories of Social Psychology, vol. 2, P. A. M. van Lange, A. W. Kruglanski, and E. T. Higgins, Eds. London, U.K.: Sage, 2012, pp. 458–476, doi: 10.4135/9781446249222.n49.
[4] D. Umberson, M. B. Thomeer, and A. C. Lodge, “Intimacy and emotion work in lesbian, gay, and heterosexual relationships,” J. Marriage Family, vol. 77, no. 2, pp. 542–556, 2015, doi: 10.1111/jomf.12178.
[5] L. Dean, B. Churchill, and L. Ruppanner, “The mental load: Building a deeper theoretical understanding of how cognitive and emotional labor over women and mothers,” Community, Work Family, vol. 25, no. 1, pp. 13–29, 2022, doi: 10.1080/13668803.2021.2002813.
[6] D. T. Sanchez, J. C. Fetterolf, and L. A. Rudman, “Eroticizing inequality in the United States: The consequences and determinants of traditional gender role adherence in intimate relationships,” J. Sex Res., vol. 49, no. 2–3, pp. 168–183, 2012, doi: 10.1080/00224499.2011.653699.
[7] T. Oschatz, J. L. Piemonte, and V. Klein, “The intimate and sexual costs of emotional labor: The development of the women’s sexual emotional labor assessment,” Arch. Sex. Behav., vol. 54, no. 1, pp. 117–138, 2025, doi: 10.1007/s10508-024-03061-7.
[8] J. C. Fetterolf and L. A. Rudman, “Gender inequality in the home: The role of relative income, support for traditional gender roles, and perceived entitlement,” Gender Issues, vol. 31, no. 3, pp. 219–237, 2014, doi: 10.1007/s12147-014-9126-x.

Figure Source

https://unsplash.com/de/fotos/ein-mann-und-eine-frau-die-auf-einem-bett-...